so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
