He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
