Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
