His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
