These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
