i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
