i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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