take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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