What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
