he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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