You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
