my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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