Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
