Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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