My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
