dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
