I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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