I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Barsexuality is the new black.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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