there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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