God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
