OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My vagina just recognized that song.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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