just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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