dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
