She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
