why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
