***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
