Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
