I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I see more hoeing in ur future
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