I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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