Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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