you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
