anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
