I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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