Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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