Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm determined to sit on that face.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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