You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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