I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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