Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
