My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
