I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
