that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Pooping to opera.
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