i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
