Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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