fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
