Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
