Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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