I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
