When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
