ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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