Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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