This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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