I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His hands were made for my vagina.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
