I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
