dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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