I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
