I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
