I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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