i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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