he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
