Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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