When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
